I've been working my butt off at school. I really hope i comes through for me this term, i sort of get the feeling i won't do amazingly but perhaps i'll do well enough to not feel guilty. I hate to say this, since i've only been in school for two months, but i'm ready to get out. Winter break will be so needed and so good.
I am so glad this term is almost over.
Next week is Thanksgiving and my sister is coming home. She's also coming over so i REALLY have to clean my place up.
ayyyy
busy week.
I hope everyone is well. i hope phoebe feels better.
MWAH!!!!!!
school's barely started and i'm already dying for it to be over.
come over and visit my new place. its small but its well cute.
<3
I'm so tired.
okay, that was stupid
She was diagnosed probably 6 months ago with late stage liver cancer.. I guess Liver Cancer is one of those things that you can't see until its too late to do anything. She was in and out of the hospital on and off chemo, etc and finally last night she died. She was not doing very well the last few days so i'm not surprised and i'm glad she's not in pain anymore. Its just really .. i guess difficult. I went to visit her in the hospital when i found out she was there, in maybe may. I guess she just seemed so determined. I didn't think it would happen this soon. The chemo wasnt working and the cancer spread. And they were out of options, because she was so weak. Then she got a blood clot in her leg and went back to the hospital and things really got worse. They moved her to a hospice a few days ago and i guess her last few days were really great. It's just such a shame that someone so young could be taken away so easily.
My uncle's "very treatable" tongue cancer was also re-examined recently. The chemo stopped working for him, too. They gave him a year to live, and being around my family is difficult, now, because of it.. Its hard for me to understand why bad things happen to good people. I know its just a fact of life, but at a certain point, it just doesn't make sense.
that said, i hope everyone is well
<3
i don't own ANYTHING i feel comfortable in.
i've just resigned to looking fucking awful.
i stopped wearing makeup all together
my hairs grown out
its all brassy
I dont' even know what to do.
it seems so stupid to wear work clothes ALL the time
but even in the summer, when i will have more free time, i wont have anymore friends
and the ones i do have won't visit me at my parents.
i just dont know what to do
i feel so trapped.
i went to the store today
i loved everything
but i didnt buy anything because i know nothing will fit right, and if i buy a cute top, i wont have anything to wear with it
i love fashion but i always wear the worst things
because nothing proper fits me.
i hate not looking the way i want.
it sounds superficial but its important to me
and today all i could think
was of stupid fucking phil never fucking telling me EVER that i look nice, even when i asked him to
because
"i don't like taht style of clothes"
i just want to stay in bed forever.
How did it all begin? He was cute and way different from everyone else and i wanted to meet him. i was very intimidated by him though...
Where did you meet? in front of the ondine!!!
When did you meet? Sep 27. weird i know, but that was a weird point. i remember lots of dates from fall 08
Was it love at first sight? he was cute and perfectly what i wanted in a companion but i was an emotional wreck and i dont know about love. but it turned into love quickly. mostly i was drunk and enamored. ok, yeah. yeah it was. ;]
how old were you both? i was eighteen, he was nineteen
When did you have your first kiss? the ondizzle
Where was your first date? well.. we didnt really have any, he just came over and we hung out.
How long until you met the parents?not long. few weeks probably. i was JUSSSST thinking about when i met his dad. so funny and awkward :[
When was it official? well.. thats hard. but i remember the twenty something of october i was with him and jeff and i called him my boyfriend and he swoooooned.
The good...
Whats your happiest memory of him? i dont know if i have just one. just his face in the morning. and his happy dance.
Whats the sweetist thing he has ever done for you? He always takes care of me when i'm sick, and walks all the way to my place to hang out, andddd he feeds me mac and cheese and never gets mad when i hog it.
Does he buy you lots of gifts? not really. i dont want gifts
Whats your favorite thing to do together? sit and talk and watch tv shows together so we can enjoy the world and laugh a lo
When did you know you were falling in love? i can't really place when it was, but i knew he was different from everyone i've ever met. and wonderful!!!
Who said I love you first? it was sort of just mutual. it evolved. we loved and respected each other as people and it sort of just happened.
Is it true love? i think so.
How do you know this? there are a million ways. i feel more for him than i ever have for anyone and all i want is for us to be happy and to be able to make all of our goals happen.
The bad...
Whats his worst habit? can't think of one
What annoys you about him? i dont know. there's not really anything i guess.
Has he ever hurt you badly? well yes, but its over and doesnt matter anymore
Would he ever cheat? i really hope not
Has he ever cheated? i guess not
Do you trust him? well yeah.
The ugly....
Best facial feature? hm.. draw between his nose and his lips and his eyes and.. well.. the whole face. it is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.
Favorite part of his body? his lil ribs and his lil tummy and his arms and his cute hands
Hair colour? brown
What does he smell of? aftershave and cigarettes.
Whats he wearing when you picture him in your head? batman tshirt, black shorts and he's smiling.
How do you feel when he holds you? content and safe and sleeeeepy.
How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms? i feel safe and i feel like i can sleep again
How does it feel when he touches you? comfortable and familiar and soft
Does his touch give you goose bumps? um.. not really. usually i'm just cold :/
Does he kiss your neck? um, well yeah sometimes.
Your tummy? this is getting weird... not really,
Your forehead?i it's not very polite..... yes, sometimes...
Could you be without him? i wouldnt want to, but i suppose i could if i had to. but not for long.
Do you think about him constantly when your apart? usually we're apart because i have too much homework, so i'm usually preoccupied, but frequently i do think of him, yes.
How long have you been together? about six and a half months?
Can you see a future together? absolutely. I know nineteen is young to think about that kind of thing, but its not abnormal to meet your husband while you're in college and if not marraige then at least some future. It's still so good and i wouldnt trade it. I believe in our dream!
Would you like to get married? well.. i would, but it would be a long time in the future.
Have children? no
Where can you see your relationship in a years time? better and stronger and fun!!
5 years time? thats far away.
Do you know there is definatly no-one better out there for you? I guess there's no way to know, but this is the most comfortable i've ever felt in my life. He understands me better than anyone and we are a good team together.
How do you know this? i don't, for sure, but i FEEL like its right
Are you scared he might find someone better? often i don't, but sometimes i do worry, There are a million girls who are better looking than i am. But we fit perfectly so i should hope that is enough.
Is he your best friend as well as your lover? in many ways.
Does he come first over everyone else in your life? Not absolutely. I mean, in some ways i guess, but i try to be equal with people.
Would you die for him? i dont know why that would ever be a situation we would be in...
Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together? there's a new one every day.
Say something that only you two understand: ooohhhhh. you liked it so you put a ring on it.
Do you have nick names for each other? not really. i mean, they're interchangable.
Does he make you laugh? TOTALLY.
Do you wrestle? not reallllly
Is he tickelish? a little
Are you? a little
His Favorites...
Food? he likes crackers and pizza and cookies and reese's peanut butter cups.. and he likes triscuts less than his father thinks he does
Drink? cola, dr pepper (and affiliated off-brand beverages), and raspberry snapple?
Sport? i dont think he much cares for them. I'm converting him, though, to my little baby blazers fan! he's changing his name to lamarcus aldridge!
Past time? Making music, smoking, reading about weird breton things
Animal? he is standoffish with dogs.
Aftershave? delicious. makes me crazy. (not in a weird sex way)
Clothing style? lil shirts and jeans!! and the gym shorts if he's feelin lazy!
Band? oh goodness....algernon. and he cannot dispute this because he TOLD THEM they were his favourite.
Music? beautiful and emotive things!
Your things....
Song? we don't have one.
DVD? we don't have one.
Place to hang out? wherever, we have fun everywhere.
Meal to cook together? anything!!!
Lasts...
Time you saw him? this morning.
Kissed him? see above
When will you...
See him again? tomorrow nochy.
Speak to him again? tonight maybe, or tomorrow.
Tell him you love him again? next time i talk to him.
Have you ever?
Spent the night together? yeah
Celebrated a holiday together? we had a baby christmas, we had a cute new years and halloween and valentines day! and maybe we will have a cinco de mayo with Cha Cha Cha! next week!
Met his parents? just his padre.
Had naughty time? thats weird.
Made him cry? i dont think so.. i hope not...
Done anything spontaneous together? constantly. cat burglars in luuuv
I put the pedal to the floor.
headed north on mills avenue,
and listened to the engine roar.
my broken house behind me and good things ahead,
a girl named cathy wants a little of my time.
six cylinders underneath the hood crashing and kicking,
ahhh listen to the engine whine.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I played video games in a drunken haze
I was seventeen years young.
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue.
and then cathy showed up and we hung out.
trading swigs from the bottle all bitter and clean
locking eyes, holding hands,
twin high maintenance machines.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I drove home in the california dusk.
I could feel the alcohol inside of me.
home.
picture the look on my stepfather's face,
ready for the bad things to come.
I downshifted as I pulled into the driveway.
the motor screaming out stuck in second gear.
the scene ends badly as you might imagine,
in a cavalcade of anger and fear.
there will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
♥
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